Mourning, stages of mourning – how to deal with it?

The death of a loved one is always a difficult and unpleasant experience. The time when family and friends learn to live anew and relive their sorrow is mourning . It usually lasts about a few months, but many people say that the void in the heart can never be filled again. Knowing that grief has several stages allows you to prepare for what is to come and to realize that it is completely natural to feel regret, sad, longing, misunderstood, and even angry. You don’t have to fight it – you have to accept it. And when necessary, seek help from a psychologist.

What is mourning?

The concept of mourning is well known and widely used, but what does this state actually mean? It appears with the death of a loved one and lasts until the loved one has at least partially reconciled with the loss. Mourning is a normal, natural reaction to death. It brings out a lot of intense emotions from a person – on the one hand, they are wonderful or painful memories, on the other, a longing that cannot be soothed in any way.

Realizing what mourning is , what its stages are, what feelings and emotions may accompany you, allows you to survive this difficult period and return to your old, but different life. The most important thing is to allow yourself to experience a wide range of emotions, cry and memories. As it turns out, they are extremely important to those who are left alive.

Mourning in the Polish-tradition

In the Polish tradition, it is an expression of mourning are dark clothes that a widow or widow usually wears. However, today, this custom is gradually being abandoned, also because not everyone wants or feels the need to demonstrate their sadness, and the mourning prefers to live in the heart.

People who have lost a loved one avoid entertainment and fun. However, it is also not something forced now – hardly anyone wants to take part in grand parties, laugh and dance when he has recently said goodbye to a family member or friend forever. It hurts not only to lose those who were close on a daily basis, but also those we met at different stages of our lives and left their mark on it.

How long does mourning last?

Although it is not regulated or imposed top-down, it has been accepted in the Polish tradition that there are certain periods of mourning . And so they are respectively – depending on who the deceased person was for you:

mourning for a husband / wife – it is assumed that mourning after the death of a spouse lasts the longest, i.e. 12 months and 6 weeks,
mourning after mum / dad / siblings / child – it lasts 6 months (wearing black costumes) and the next 6 is the so-called the half-mourning period, where gray clothes are worn. In the case of siblings, it is assumed that the mourning ends after 6 months,
mourning for the grandfather / grandmother and for further relatives usually lasts 3 months and does not have to be manifested by dark clothing or abstinence from parties.

Of course, the above is only a suggestion for those who would like to follow an unwritten code, generally accepted social norms and seek guidance on how long mourning lasts. In fact, however, it is a highly individual spiritual and psychological process of experiencing loss and starting a new life. Sometimes it takes several months and other times it takes years.

Saying that mourning a grandfather lasts only a few weeks, while the loss of a spouse has to be mourned for over a year is just a belief passed down from generation to generation – the effect of what society accepted as the norm and took root in its consciousness and tradition. Usually, it is actually observed that the process of mourning the deceased takes about a year and this is the most difficult time (first holidays, holidays). With time, however, life returns to its former tracks and goes on, although it is never the same again.

It is good taste to experience mourning for a loved one , if only out of respect for her. Therefore, it is assumed that after losing a wife or husband, you need a year:

socialize with moderation,
wear dark clothes,
not to partner with another person.

However, we know well that wearing a sweater other than black or going to the cinema will not diminish the memory of the deceased person. It will not be disrespectful, an expression of forgetfulness or disregard. There is no rule that would prohibit you from enjoying the pleasures of life – it is up to you whether and when you decide to reach for them. However, if, after a long time after the death of your loved one , you still feel apathy, socially withdrawn, depressed, unable to find yourself and feel great regret, suffering and longing, time will probably not heal your wounds. Then it is worth seeking psychological help.

Stages of mourning

The already mentioned stages of mourning is a division that became clear after observing how people deal with death. Of course, it should be emphasized once again that each of us experiences the death of a loved one differently – a lot depends on what relationship you had with the deceased, what was your kinship, attachment to each other, and in what circumstances close the person has passed away (accident, suicide, severe, long illness). Many people, in addition to longing, also carry a sense of guilt on their shoulders (we spent too little time together, if I watched him / her more closely, I would not allow a tragedy, etc.) It turns out that almost all the emotions that accompany you after the loss of a loved one people are normal and you shouldn’t fight them.

The stages of mourning are broken down into 5 phases:

Shock, disbelief, denial – the greatest when a young person full of life dies, and death occurs, for example, as a result of an accident. However, even the departure of someone who has been ill for a long time causes shock and dullness that lasts until the funeral and for some time thereafter.
Disorganization – the clash with reality is usually more painful than it sounds. At this stage, you become aware of the lack of a loved one who has so far occupied an important place in your life. At home, at work – you can still feel her presence in the places where you saw each other the most. This can cause insomnia, an eating disorder, a feeling of anxiety and persistent nervousness.
Rebellion – After experiencing shock and disorganization, it’s time to ask “why, how could it happen”. The regret that a loved one has passed away and left others in sadness and loneliness manifests itself in rebellion – against the deceased, God, and the whole world. It makes you hard to bear to see people happy.
Sadness – this is definitely the condition that lasts the longest and can be very burdensome for the mourning person. It is a time when crying, despair, pessimistic thoughts, avoiding other people, closing in on yourself, and even seeking escape in stimulants appear. Depressive moods are normal at this stage, but they should not be taken lightly. If they persist for too long and cause strong emotions, they can lead to more serious disorders. However, if “everything goes according to plan”, then the sadness stage will be followed by the last phase of mourning , which will last until the end of life – acceptance.
Acceptance > – do not blame yourself when you finally come to terms with the death of someone who was close to you, start living – going to the movies, laughing, arranging dates. You have the right to do so, and it’s okay to feel happy! On the contrary – without the acceptance stage you will not return to normal, which does not mean that you will forget the sadness of death or fill the void in your heart. This one will probably stay with you forever.

The stages of mourning may be slightly different for everyone and vary in intensity. However, you have to allow yourself to experience them. Do not let anyone tell yourself that you do not want to cry, that you have to stick to it, that you must behave in a certain way. You can allow yourself to cry, miss, scream and much more that will help you experience mourning . Repressing emotions is never a good solution, as it usually only delays the whole therapeutic process, which in the psychological sense is mourning .

Mourning in the psychological sense

Mourning can be defined in many different ways. It is a time to come back to stabilization and learn to live anew. It is also an opportunity to organize your emotions, try to understand a difficult situation, remember the deceased while these memories are still fresh. It is also a time when you can allow yourself to slightly withdraw from your social life, to surround yourself with silence (if you have such a need). Finally, it takes weeks and months to sort the mementoes of the deceased and deal with formalities, such as the execution of a will. Unfortunately, formalities are part of life that still goes on around you and you have to face them. It’s good if you have someone in your family or friends who can help you with this.

The phases of mourning vary in intensity, but usually follow a well-established pattern. Only the observation of disturbing behaviors, such as running away into stimulants, prone to depression or aggression, practicing magic, trying to quickly replace the deceased person with a new partner, or finally undertaking too exhausting activities “just to not think and free your head”, may indicate a problem. What? Not everyone is able to deal with bereavement on their own, especially when he had a special bond with the deceased, they knew each other for a long time, spent a lot of time together, and his or her departure was caused by an emergency or suicide. Accepting the blame, constantly looking for answers, over-idealizing the deceased – there are many disturbing symptoms that should be consulted with a specialist.

Psychologist will not only help in understanding and accepting a difficult situation, but also support the patient in the fight against guilt, going through and understanding the stages of mourning and finally learning a new the life that begins after losing a loved one .