What gives assertiveness?

Today, the concept of assertiveness is used often, but not always in the right context. It happens that self-confidence and expressing one’s views out loud are sometimes confused with a feeling of superiority. The line between assertiveness and haughtiness may be thin, but not for those who know how to fight for their own and set limits without hurting other people’s feelings, but by caring about their own – feelings and needs.

Assertiveness what does that mean?

There has been so much talk lately about being assertive because people live under a lot of pressure. You are bombarded from all sides by the expectations of others, but also of your own. They come from the fact that we take part in the rat race, we are afraid of ratings given by others, and we also want to belong somewhere. This makes it difficult for many to be assertive, which is:

expressing your emotions, feelings, needs, fears, criticism, uncertainty,
setting boundaries and saying “no”
saying “yes” – agreeing with others,
asking for help.

Why is attitude assertive so difficult? Because we want to be strong, independent, and at the same time we don’t want others to laugh at us or push us away. We want to fit in, and that often means agreeing to things we don’t feel like doing. This is a communication problem that leads to clashes in relationships, but also to internal frustration and conflict resulting from living in conflict with yourself. As you can see, an assertive attitude is very important, also in order to feel psychologically calm and in harmony. But can it be learned?

Assertive, which is what?

A man who is assertive is not one who says no. Reducing assertiveness only to the ability to deny and oppose other people or imposed rules is wrong and can lead to the fact that you will actually be perceived as conflicting, tenacious, stubborn and difficult to get along with. Not the way! You first need to define well who an assertive person is in order to understand what assertiveness gives you and finally develop this skill. So:

Assertiveness is communication skill taken to the next level. An assertive person can talk to others and clearly say what their needs, possibilities and limitations are. The difficult part is not agreeing to something that is not comfortable for you, but in such a way as not to be rude or vulgar. But it can also be challenging to accept praise and value your own successes – not everyone can! assertiveness is finding the balance between protecting yourself and caring for others’ feelings.

As you can see, an assertive person doesn’t just say no. At the right moment, she can say “yes” and receive a compliment, praise or celebrate her own personal success. It is important to maintain balance and harmony.

Assertive person:

skilfully and clearly formulates his thoughts, opinions, wishes, requests,
no problem with accepting criticism,
can work out compromises,
listens to others and reacts appropriately (does not offend, does not force you to change your mind),
is resistant to pressure, external pressure, expectations of others,
knows how to admit a mistake,
can ask for help,
controls her emotions, but that doesn’t mean she is deprived of them,
has high self-esteem, is confident and has good self-esteem,
protects her own good and cares for the good of others,
can say “no”,
sees his failures and successes.

As you can see assertiveness > it is balancing on a thin line that separates what is good and comfortable for you from what others expect from you. Being assertive is nothing more than defending your own values and needs, while respecting the attitudes of others. It is not an easy art, so some people work on it throughout their lives, and they do not always achieve perfection anyway.

How to be an assertive person?

To be more motivated to work on your assertive attitude , find out what benefits it brings. It seems to you that life is OK and does not require changes or any revolution. Meanwhile, you often do not realize that this is your tacit consent to exploitation at work, being underappreciated at home and, consequently, unhappy and frustrated.

Remember how many times you grind your teeth because again, instead of enjoying the weekend off, you spent Saturday at work or worked overtime because your boss asked you to. Or you went on vacation to a place you don’t like because your friends talked you into it. And you even watched a poor series, wasting many hours on it, because your partner absolutely had to see it. We sometimes refer to this as the “art of compromise”, but when you keep giving up on yourself for the sake of others, it probably isn’t assertive .

Assertive man enjoys his life. He spends his time the way he likes, but he can find a balance and compromise (e.g. today we order a pizza because you want it, and tomorrow we cook my favorite dish at home). As you can see, sometimes these are little things that someone might consider meaningless. However, it is from such details that life is made of. Don’t let anyone tell you how to live it – against yourself, against your needs, dreams or possibilities.

What gives you assertiveness? Mostly:

the ability to freely express your own opinion, without fear of judging or being criticized,
respect of others – in their eyes you become a confident and determined person to defend your limits and beliefs,
valuable information – the ability to accept constructive criticism allows you to catch what is bad and fix it,
to clearly formulate your needs and expectations – the other person does not have to guess them, so there is a greater chance of that it will satisfy them correctly.

It is worth being assertive for yourself and for others – family, partner, colleagues and complete strangers. The good news is that an assertive attitude can be developed – either by yourself or with the help of exercise and a psychologist.

Assertive attitude – how to develop it?

Not everyone is born with a strongly developed assertive attitude . We may even be tempted to say that many people still need to create it and then nurture it to achieve what they set out to do. However, the good news is that assertiveness is something you can work out. For some it takes years, but if it was worth it they always say yes.

So, how do you build an assertive attitude and stay true to it? Start with:

clearly formulating your thoughts and feelings – opposition when something is uncomfortable for you and you do not want to do it, even if you feel pressure and pressure from your interlocutor;
to oppose attitudes that are bad for you , harmful, uncomfortable, frightening, anger, fear, fear – a request for the other person to change their attitude because they are harmful to you (or others);
preparing and presenting arguments – why this person is to change her behavior, what consequences threaten her (real, it is not about threats or unjustified intimidation);
complying with her threats (e.g. if your employer constantly forces you to stay overtime and you threatened to the next month, when this happens again, you will quit your job, actually bring a termination notice.)

This is opposing and setting limits, but it is not enough to define yourself as assertive person . You also need to:

learn to appreciate yourself, improve your self-esteem, enjoy and celebrate your achievements,
accept your mistakes – not as failures, but as an opportunity to learn,

receive compliments and praise – do not detract from your merits.

Paradoxically, many people find it hardest not to object, but to receive praise and appreciate their merits. It is worth doing it by the method of small steps – to enjoy every, even small, success. If it turns out that you cannot do it, and assertiveness is your weakness, seek psychological help. During sessions or workshops with a specialist you will learn what is assertiveness and how to develop this attitude in yourself in order to feel calm, happy and in harmony with yourself.